You’ve seen pictures of people wearing short skimpy dresses or other interestingly revealing outfits. Some of them you admired…”trendy and sexy”. You even wished you could get some of these “hot”dresses for yourself…Jean bum shorts, crop tops and some trendy heels to go with it. But you know your mother would freak out because you’re just a teenage girl in secondary school. You just can’t wait to get into the university and experience freedom.
One afternoon, you sat with your brothers watching music videos. Your brothers were thrilled at the girls in the videos. Some of them wore just panties and bras, shaking their anatomy vigorously, which appealed to your brothers and disgusted you. You wanted to tune to another channel but they wouldn’t let you. So you watched it all. This continued for months until you found yourself picking your favorite female dancers in the music videos with your brothers. At the confines of your room, you unconsciously imitate these music video dancers while singing the songs.
You tossed and turned on your bed at night. Sleep seemed to elude you. Scurrying out of bed, you went to the sitting room.
“I can watch what I please now”, you said to yourself.
You tuned to a drama channel and the first picture that kissed your face was a man and woman making out. It was past water-shed time, the stations were free to air “adult” dramas. Dazed, you watched the man undo the straps of the lady’s shirt. Common sense told you to change the channel but you held unto the remote.
“Everyone’s asleep”, you muttered to yourself.
“No one will see me”, you reassured yourself as your insides played the devil. You knew your mother would bury you if she found you watching that yet you continued.
The woman had become naked, the man feeling her softness while she undid his shirt. Just then you heard a sound and quickly turned off the TV.
You ran into your room, laid starring at the ceiling relieving all you had seen.
You woke up the next morning feeling guilty. As you knelt down to pray, you saw the pictures in your head. You knew devil was feasting on you. Then you shot your eyes tighter than usual and with clung palms you sobbed.
“Forgive me Lord for I have sinned with my sight and in my thoughts”, you prayed.
At the confessionary, the priest rebuked you.
“Jesus said in the bible that whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her in his heart”. The priest was inflaming your already guilty conscience.
“Such dramas will only fill your imaginations and thoughts with lust”.
“Besides”, he added, “such images stick to your head if you persist on seeing them. You must stop to prevent yourself from becoming a slave to pornography. Be careful about the things you feed your mind and spirit with. Desist from looking at such images my child. They can only destroy you”, the priest reprimanded.
As you said prayers for penance, you added your own making promises to God.
Three years passed and you were good. You were free from all such thoughts. Then you gained admission into the university. A better part of you told to avoid the freshers night but your roommates convinced to go.
“It’ll be fun”, they said.
They condemned all your clothes as inappropriate. One offered you a crop top! Another a bum short.
“No”, you said to them.
” we know you’re a Christian, we all are. Holier than thou attitude won’t get you to heaven. Besides, it’s just a school party. No one is saying you should do something wrong. God has blessed you with this lovely legs and great hips, you should flaunt it and not hide it. Let people appreciate what God has given you”, one of them said.
You stood your ground. After much persuasion, you settled for the white immaculate satin crop top with a flowered high-waist-knee-length skirt. Your tommy wasn’t exactly showing…just a little. They helped you with your makeup, turning you into a goddess with costumes…beed, bangles, even ankle chain. You wore a matching 4inches high heeled comfortable shoes. You felt simply great!
As you walked to the venue, it came back to you. A similar crop top of a dancer in the music video!
You received a lot of compliments about your beauty and dressing. You were in the moon. You nodded to the beats though you won’t dance. You turned down most dance offers. You won’t be swayed.
Then you saw him. Tall, dark and handsome. You noticed his white shirt on peach pant trouser and black Blazers. He was coming your way, your heart skipped a beat. You flushed. His haircut and beards appealed to you. Every other thing seemed none existent.
He offered you his hands for a dance and you took it gladly. All the dance steps in the music videos came rushing through your mind. You did the moves. By the time you got back, you had a boyfriend.
Pleasing him became your priorities. You sent texts, called and cooked for him but he wanted more. More! More that you can’t give. More that you shouldn’t give.
“I could lose him”, you confided in a friend.
“One way to keep him is not just to give him what he wants but to give it to him in a way he won’t forget”, she told you.
“How?” You asked. You became interested.
“Many guys have porn videos in their phones or laptops, watch what he has and you’ll know what he cherishes the most”.
So you did as you were told. You even copied it. At first it was disgusting but you continued. Gradually, it made you horny. Before long you were ready to get to cloud 9 with him…your boyfriend. You plotted scenes in your mind and even initiated it. Then you were reborn. A new you. Totally sold, totally gone! You’ve eaten the forbidden fruit. And from that day everything changed.
Your dressing, your carriage, even your views. Pornography had become a part of you. You were drifting away. Prayers were becoming difficult to say. You don’t feel right in the house of God anymore so you’d rather not go. Your studies felt the turn too. The semester result showed you weren’t the last. Yes many did better than you but you also performed better than some others. Home felt like prison yard. You had become your mother’s enemy. Everything she said got you upset. Your peace had gone. You’d rather stay in the hostel to breadth some air than at home where your every move made you an outcast. And deeper and deeper you plunged into darkness. Your soul was lost.
You sat out one evening wondering how you got to this spot, when you lost your direction. Then it struck you! The words of the priest.
“…such images stick to your head if you persist on seeing them. You must stop to prevent yourself from becoming a slave to pornography.”
Yes, watching pornography was the root. You had the videos in your phone and laptop. Most of your movie collections had raw sex scenes. Naked motion pictures had become part of your daily life. The same reason many guys can’t stay without a girl. The same reason many lost the direction of their lives.
You walked into the church. It was your first time in six months. You knelt down in tears lacking words to say. You starred at the open hands of the statue of mother Mary and felt ashamed.
“Save me”, you said.
You poured more tears. You had lost some things you’d never recover…your virginity, your innocence, the better result you’d have gotten in the past semester. If only you hadn’t forgotten the admonition of the priest. Somewhere in your heart you knew it wasn’t too late to make a turn from this path. What if you had gotten pregnant or some deadly disease? What if you continued till you can’t stay without a man nor stay faithful to one? Thanks to God, you didn’t.
Now you can be born again. Another new life, a better one. You’ve found peace.
You’ve come home.
Leave A Comment